Saturday, April 11, 2009
My weight
I plan to weigh myself weekly to keep me aware and honest. I weighed 243.5 lbs this week. I've lost 3 pounds which is good but I know better than to think of this program as a diet. Hopefully it is in God's will for me to lose some weight, and if not, I will have to learn to accept that. When I am abstinent, I don't care if I stay at the weight I am. I am happy and content. I am attractive. I am a good person. I am not anxious or depressed when abstinent and for me, that is an outcome that is worth so much more to me than the number on the scale.
Friday, April 10, 2009
My Hunger
I'm hungry today and it's making me mad. It's one of those days for whatever reason, I am just more hungry than usual. I know that I can't eat, although I did have a snack that I wasn't planned. But I know that if I wait too long to eat, and I'm feeling like this, I will be in big trouble.
I tried to think if there was something that I ate yesterday that could have triggered me in some way and all I can think of is maybe the cranberry juice at dinner. I guess it's also possible that salt could be the culprit as my meal was sort of salty and was made with capers. Either way, I'm hungry and not being able to eat, is a struggle.
Writing here definitely helps as well as many other distractions I have used today. I am also very tired today so I wonder if the combination of things is just triggering me. I am thankful that I am not obsessing or craving certain things, I'm just generally hungry!
My body has had enough nourishment for now. I will eat dinner and nothing else. I will drink water in between and nothing else. I am eating out tonight somewhere, so I will also have water with my meal. I have the choice in front of me and I choose abstinence. My hunger pangs will stop and I will survive!
I tried to think if there was something that I ate yesterday that could have triggered me in some way and all I can think of is maybe the cranberry juice at dinner. I guess it's also possible that salt could be the culprit as my meal was sort of salty and was made with capers. Either way, I'm hungry and not being able to eat, is a struggle.
Writing here definitely helps as well as many other distractions I have used today. I am also very tired today so I wonder if the combination of things is just triggering me. I am thankful that I am not obsessing or craving certain things, I'm just generally hungry!
My body has had enough nourishment for now. I will eat dinner and nothing else. I will drink water in between and nothing else. I am eating out tonight somewhere, so I will also have water with my meal. I have the choice in front of me and I choose abstinence. My hunger pangs will stop and I will survive!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Question 3
Would you give a history of your compulsive overeating and include the following:
A. Bouts with eating and dieting? B. Relationships that were tied up with food? C. Food related family occasions? D. Recent diet failures?
What eating problems brought you to the OA/Twelve Step program?
I’ve had many conversations with my mother about my eating disorder and although I would NEVER blame anyone else or any certain circumstance for MY difficulties, something my mother said to me made perfect sense. As a child, I was always consoled with food. I would fall down and get scraped up and mom would clean me up and give me a lollipop. I had strep throat over and over again and I was treated with bed rest, Tylenol, Penicillin of course, and lots and lots of ice cream and popsicles. Each year I got strep throat at least 8-10 times and each time I ate as much ice cream, jello, pudding, and popsicles as I wanted. Looking back, I think this was the beginning of my sugar addiction and I was only just a young child.
I came from a family who was always having parties. We got together all the time and ate. That’s what we did. We also ate at funerals, weddings, birthday parties, first communions, and I began to think about food in a different way, almost comparing it to a friend. I ate when I was sad. I ate when I was lonely. I ate when I was bored. I ate when I was anxious, depressed, or overwhelmed. I ate anytime I felt negative feelings, and then, I began to feel nothing at all.
My parents moved to Florida when I was in college and at the same time my brother joined the military. In the course of a couple of months, I lost my entire family of origin. I felt alone at times and food always seemed to make me feel better. My grandmother was then diagnosed with cancer and only had a short time to live. I ate and ate and ate just to cope with the feelings that made me think I was going to lose control. I felt alone and abandoned. I was here In Massachusetts taking care of my grandmother and was going to school at the time to be a nurse. I often wondered, “who was going to take care of me?” I tried to hold the world on my shoulders and food helped me cope. When I was tired, I ate. When I wanted to yell and scream, I ate. When I wanted to cry, I ate. When I missed my family I ate. When I doubted myself I ate. When I started to feel that I was not good enough, I ate. When something else went wrong, I ate. When someone was sick, I ate. No matter what happened, if I felt negative feelings, I ate.
At first, I did have control over this pattern and I could get away with a binge or two here and there and then after some time, that was over as well. Bingeing produced severe feelings of guilt, remorse, and self loathing and once I started to eat, I couldn’t stop. Each day upon awakening, I vowed that this day would be different, but we all know how the story went from there.
I gained a ton of weight and tried every diet on earth, several times in fact! After my second child was born, I lost 100 lbs. I ate through this as well but became a compulsive exerciser and despite all the calories I ate, continued to lose weight.
Then came the time when I didn’t have time to exercise. The weight piled on. I dieted and dieted and always lost weight temporarily. Not too much time went by and I couldn’t even stay on a diet for more than 2 days, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much will power I had started with.
I also loved to go out with friends and drink. When I would come home from being out, I would be ravenous and would usually binge on food before going to bed. I always knew there was something about me and drinking. Why did it trigger me to eat? Why didn’t that happen to other people? Of course, I know the answer to that as well.
I have the mind and body of an addict. My brain is not wired the same and my body reacts to certain substances in a much different way. I cannot eat and drink like other people. I have no control over food in those circumstances or in any circumstance for that matter. I am a food addict and will ALWAYS have the biological and psychological differences within me. I accept that. Today, I accept that.
The fight is over if I surrender and accept every aspect of who I am at this very moment…and….I do…..
A. Bouts with eating and dieting? B. Relationships that were tied up with food? C. Food related family occasions? D. Recent diet failures?
What eating problems brought you to the OA/Twelve Step program?
I’ve had many conversations with my mother about my eating disorder and although I would NEVER blame anyone else or any certain circumstance for MY difficulties, something my mother said to me made perfect sense. As a child, I was always consoled with food. I would fall down and get scraped up and mom would clean me up and give me a lollipop. I had strep throat over and over again and I was treated with bed rest, Tylenol, Penicillin of course, and lots and lots of ice cream and popsicles. Each year I got strep throat at least 8-10 times and each time I ate as much ice cream, jello, pudding, and popsicles as I wanted. Looking back, I think this was the beginning of my sugar addiction and I was only just a young child.
I came from a family who was always having parties. We got together all the time and ate. That’s what we did. We also ate at funerals, weddings, birthday parties, first communions, and I began to think about food in a different way, almost comparing it to a friend. I ate when I was sad. I ate when I was lonely. I ate when I was bored. I ate when I was anxious, depressed, or overwhelmed. I ate anytime I felt negative feelings, and then, I began to feel nothing at all.
My parents moved to Florida when I was in college and at the same time my brother joined the military. In the course of a couple of months, I lost my entire family of origin. I felt alone at times and food always seemed to make me feel better. My grandmother was then diagnosed with cancer and only had a short time to live. I ate and ate and ate just to cope with the feelings that made me think I was going to lose control. I felt alone and abandoned. I was here In Massachusetts taking care of my grandmother and was going to school at the time to be a nurse. I often wondered, “who was going to take care of me?” I tried to hold the world on my shoulders and food helped me cope. When I was tired, I ate. When I wanted to yell and scream, I ate. When I wanted to cry, I ate. When I missed my family I ate. When I doubted myself I ate. When I started to feel that I was not good enough, I ate. When something else went wrong, I ate. When someone was sick, I ate. No matter what happened, if I felt negative feelings, I ate.
At first, I did have control over this pattern and I could get away with a binge or two here and there and then after some time, that was over as well. Bingeing produced severe feelings of guilt, remorse, and self loathing and once I started to eat, I couldn’t stop. Each day upon awakening, I vowed that this day would be different, but we all know how the story went from there.
I gained a ton of weight and tried every diet on earth, several times in fact! After my second child was born, I lost 100 lbs. I ate through this as well but became a compulsive exerciser and despite all the calories I ate, continued to lose weight.
Then came the time when I didn’t have time to exercise. The weight piled on. I dieted and dieted and always lost weight temporarily. Not too much time went by and I couldn’t even stay on a diet for more than 2 days, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much will power I had started with.
I also loved to go out with friends and drink. When I would come home from being out, I would be ravenous and would usually binge on food before going to bed. I always knew there was something about me and drinking. Why did it trigger me to eat? Why didn’t that happen to other people? Of course, I know the answer to that as well.
I have the mind and body of an addict. My brain is not wired the same and my body reacts to certain substances in a much different way. I cannot eat and drink like other people. I have no control over food in those circumstances or in any circumstance for that matter. I am a food addict and will ALWAYS have the biological and psychological differences within me. I accept that. Today, I accept that.
The fight is over if I surrender and accept every aspect of who I am at this very moment…and….I do…..
Being able to eat normally
Over the past few days, I've found myself wishing that I could eat like other people. But as each day has passed, and I have continued to be abstinent, the feelings are slowly but surely dissipating. I love the way that I have been feeling. Yes, I have had some food cravings and things have certainly not been easy, but I want to feel like this more than anything else in the world.
Eating has NEVER produced this feeling. Maybe at the beginning of my disease when I did have some aspect of self control and willpower, but I have never experienced the peace and contentment that I have recently felt by working the steps, using the tools, and most of all, not compulsively overeating. It is amazing and I need to remind myself of this constantly. I don't want to go back to that horrible stater of mind and existence. It is hell and if I go back, I will die. I am worth so much more than that and I know that my HP has so many things for me to do. I thank you God, for if it were not for you and your love, support, strength and guidance, I would suffocate and wither. I am powerless God and I am so glad that that is the case, because I have found you and I feel at peace....I accept my disease, where I'm at and the fact that I will never be able to eat like other people. I'm good with that because the trade off is pretty awesome!
Eating has NEVER produced this feeling. Maybe at the beginning of my disease when I did have some aspect of self control and willpower, but I have never experienced the peace and contentment that I have recently felt by working the steps, using the tools, and most of all, not compulsively overeating. It is amazing and I need to remind myself of this constantly. I don't want to go back to that horrible stater of mind and existence. It is hell and if I go back, I will die. I am worth so much more than that and I know that my HP has so many things for me to do. I thank you God, for if it were not for you and your love, support, strength and guidance, I would suffocate and wither. I am powerless God and I am so glad that that is the case, because I have found you and I feel at peace....I accept my disease, where I'm at and the fact that I will never be able to eat like other people. I'm good with that because the trade off is pretty awesome!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Question 2-What does "well" mean?
"Well" for me means reprieve from the pain inflicted by my own self will. It means freedom from compulsive overeating and the experience of contentment that comes with spirituality. It means feeling the emotions of joy, bliss, peace, and sustenance versus suffocating among the emotions of anger, fear, resentment, anxiety, depression, and self hatred. It is a deep connection with my HP, a "knowing" and an internalized feeling that no matter what happens in my life, all will be okay. It means freedom from the bondage of self and living my life through the will of God. It means accepting things exactly as they are and knowing that they are all part of God's plan. It means that upon awakening every day, I think not of myself but think of how I can help another; and I consciously ask God "how can I be of service to you?"
Well means physical, emotional, and spiritual health and I wan that more than anything else in the world. Nothing tastes as good as that feels.
Well means physical, emotional, and spiritual health and I wan that more than anything else in the world. Nothing tastes as good as that feels.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Question 2
A.) What is well? I am so lucky to have my health right now. I am grateful for my husband and my children, and my pets, as they bring so much joy to my life. I am grateful for the health and well being of all of my family and friends. I am thankful for the blue sky, the sun, and the beautiful trees swaying in the wind. I am thankful for the birds. I am thankful for the opportunities that HP allows for me.
I'm thankful for all of those things but when asking me "what is well?", When I am in the food and in the grip of this disease, I cannot see anything as good or well. The delusion that there are some things in my life that are good is just that, nothing more than a delusion; another lie that this disease has thrown to me.
I am well when I let HP take control. I am sick, depressed, anxious, incapacitated, and on the verge of disease and insanity when I am in control. So for today...I am well...I am free of obsession and pain because I have chosen to surrender.
B.) Is fat acceptable in your life? Fat is acceptable right now because it is what it is. This disease brought me to this number on the scale. My HP didn't bring me here. He was, there constantly reminding me and nudgeing me but I chose to listen to the lies of my disease. I chose to make the disease bigger and stronger by acting on it's lies. So yes, fat is okay. It's part of the process and is my reality.
C.) Can you accept the way you are? I can accept me the way I am because right now I beleive that this is all in the plan. I got here for a reason. The pain I have chosen to endure brought me to this place and I am okay with that because man, this is a much bteer place than the one I have been comsumed by. I accept me as me, flaws and all.
Dear God...
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
I'm thankful for all of those things but when asking me "what is well?", When I am in the food and in the grip of this disease, I cannot see anything as good or well. The delusion that there are some things in my life that are good is just that, nothing more than a delusion; another lie that this disease has thrown to me.
I am well when I let HP take control. I am sick, depressed, anxious, incapacitated, and on the verge of disease and insanity when I am in control. So for today...I am well...I am free of obsession and pain because I have chosen to surrender.
B.) Is fat acceptable in your life? Fat is acceptable right now because it is what it is. This disease brought me to this number on the scale. My HP didn't bring me here. He was, there constantly reminding me and nudgeing me but I chose to listen to the lies of my disease. I chose to make the disease bigger and stronger by acting on it's lies. So yes, fat is okay. It's part of the process and is my reality.
C.) Can you accept the way you are? I can accept me the way I am because right now I beleive that this is all in the plan. I got here for a reason. The pain I have chosen to endure brought me to this place and I am okay with that because man, this is a much bteer place than the one I have been comsumed by. I accept me as me, flaws and all.
Dear God...
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
My Surrender
I am a food addict and I can't control any aspect of my life. I am powerless, I am weak, I am broken and unable to do anything on my own. This disease has lied to me over and over and over again and somehow I go running along and want to believe that this time might be different.
I surrender to you HP. I ask you take all of this from me. Thy will be done, NOT mine. Please put me on the path of your choosing and please gently remind me when I stray from that path. I don't want this responsiblity any more. I can't do it and you know that I have tried so hard. I am so tired. I feel weak. My spirit is broken. Please restore me to sanity so that I may better work for you and be able to do the work that you have planned for me. I give up. I surrender. Use me as thy will. I beleive in you and know that everything will be okay as long as you are in charge...Please help me....for I cannot do this on my own.
I surrender to you HP. I ask you take all of this from me. Thy will be done, NOT mine. Please put me on the path of your choosing and please gently remind me when I stray from that path. I don't want this responsiblity any more. I can't do it and you know that I have tried so hard. I am so tired. I feel weak. My spirit is broken. Please restore me to sanity so that I may better work for you and be able to do the work that you have planned for me. I give up. I surrender. Use me as thy will. I beleive in you and know that everything will be okay as long as you are in charge...Please help me....for I cannot do this on my own.
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