Question 3

Would you give a history of your compulsive overeating and include the following:
A. Bouts with eating and dieting? B. Relationships that were tied up with food? C. Food related family occasions? D. Recent diet failures?

What eating problems brought you to the OA/Twelve Step program?

I’ve had many conversations with my mother about my eating disorder and although I would NEVER blame anyone else or any certain circumstance for MY difficulties, something my mother said to me made perfect sense. As a child, I was always consoled with food. I would fall down and get scraped up and mom would clean me up and give me a lollipop. I had strep throat over and over again and I was treated with bed rest, Tylenol, Penicillin of course, and lots and lots of ice cream and popsicles. Each year I got strep throat at least 8-10 times and each time I ate as much ice cream, jello, pudding, and popsicles as I wanted. Looking back, I think this was the beginning of my sugar addiction and I was only just a young child.

I came from a family who was always having parties. We got together all the time and ate. That’s what we did. We also ate at funerals, weddings, birthday parties, first communions, and I began to think about food in a different way, almost comparing it to a friend. I ate when I was sad. I ate when I was lonely. I ate when I was bored. I ate when I was anxious, depressed, or overwhelmed. I ate anytime I felt negative feelings, and then, I began to feel nothing at all.

My parents moved to Florida when I was in college and at the same time my brother joined the military. In the course of a couple of months, I lost my entire family of origin. I felt alone at times and food always seemed to make me feel better. My grandmother was then diagnosed with cancer and only had a short time to live. I ate and ate and ate just to cope with the feelings that made me think I was going to lose control. I felt alone and abandoned. I was here In Massachusetts taking care of my grandmother and was going to school at the time to be a nurse. I often wondered, “who was going to take care of me?” I tried to hold the world on my shoulders and food helped me cope. When I was tired, I ate. When I wanted to yell and scream, I ate. When I wanted to cry, I ate. When I missed my family I ate. When I doubted myself I ate. When I started to feel that I was not good enough, I ate. When something else went wrong, I ate. When someone was sick, I ate. No matter what happened, if I felt negative feelings, I ate.

At first, I did have control over this pattern and I could get away with a binge or two here and there and then after some time, that was over as well. Bingeing produced severe feelings of guilt, remorse, and self loathing and once I started to eat, I couldn’t stop. Each day upon awakening, I vowed that this day would be different, but we all know how the story went from there.
I gained a ton of weight and tried every diet on earth, several times in fact! After my second child was born, I lost 100 lbs. I ate through this as well but became a compulsive exerciser and despite all the calories I ate, continued to lose weight.

Then came the time when I didn’t have time to exercise. The weight piled on. I dieted and dieted and always lost weight temporarily. Not too much time went by and I couldn’t even stay on a diet for more than 2 days, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much will power I had started with.

I also loved to go out with friends and drink. When I would come home from being out, I would be ravenous and would usually binge on food before going to bed. I always knew there was something about me and drinking. Why did it trigger me to eat? Why didn’t that happen to other people? Of course, I know the answer to that as well.

I have the mind and body of an addict. My brain is not wired the same and my body reacts to certain substances in a much different way. I cannot eat and drink like other people. I have no control over food in those circumstances or in any circumstance for that matter. I am a food addict and will ALWAYS have the biological and psychological differences within me. I accept that. Today, I accept that.

The fight is over if I surrender and accept every aspect of who I am at this very moment…and….I do…..